Idk why, but lately I’ve been thinking about you. I dont know what it is, but you seem to be popping into my mind. I’d be lying if I said I didnt miss you. I dont want to tho. I thought by now i would be over you. Its been so long, I kind of feel pathetic for still having some sort of feelings toward you. I think what sucks the most is knowing that your happy. Not that I dont want you to be, but sometimes I look at how happy you are right now and i get jealous. Not that im not happy, but I wish I had what you had. You found someone and  you get to move on, while I  get to remain lonely. I guess Ive always been jealous of you. You have the looks, all the friends, the guys, everything comes so easily to you. I always wish I had that. I try to tell myself to be content with my life, and most of the time I am, but when I think of you compared to me, it makes me want more.

Recovery is a process. Im slowly starting to get better, but I wish it would go by faster. Im tired of having feelings towards you. I just want to be able to move on. Be like you and just get over it already. I just fear that you’ll be that one person i’ll never forget, never get over. I just pray that isnt true because I dont want to spend the rest of my life wanting something I’ll never have. 

Am I really ready for this? Am I ready to throw everything away for a glimpse of hope that might easily fade away. I’ve never been so confused in my life. My mind is telling one thing and my heart telling me something else, and my actions aren’t going along with either one.

Ugh! This is so fustrating. Why can’t this just be easy? Why can’t fairy tale endings really exist and let everyone live happily ever after?

I really don’t know what I’m doing. I’m scared, terrifed actually. I just don’t wanna fall again. At least not so fast. I don’t wanna be back at the bottom when I worked so hard crawling back to the top…life just blows, but yet again I guess nothing comes easy. I just don’t know. The only thing to do is wait it out. We’ll see what comes of it. Whether it be good or bad at least I can say I tried. I gave it one last shot, but this is make it or break it. We’ll see how it ends.